Tag Archives: Humor

GASSY FRIEND

This is what happens when you have a gassy friend:

I was at the jewellery counter at Target (spontaneous Buffalo trip this weekend) and as I was staring at this necklace, my friend, who was leaning against the counter a few feet away, suddenly let one rip…not once, not twice, that’s right, three times in succession.  Startled, I stopped looking at the necklace, quickly processed what just happened thinking “no way, she did not just fart while there’s another women a few feet from me!”. 

I slowly turned to her with this look of “what the hell, are you !$%^(&**# serious, you just farted in public, have you no shame?!!!”.  She looked totally nonchalant, like nothing happened, but then caught my look and knew she was busted.  It was when she looked at me I knew that if I didn’t walk away we’d be rolling on the floor laughing our asses off.  Thinking quickly, I looked over at the women beside me, noticed she was oblivious to what just happened and I started casually walking away.  My friend took my lead and went to the clothing section trying not to lose it.  I was by the cosmetics stifling my urge to laugh.  The women who was beside me walked by me and looked at me strangely (my stifling resulted in splutters of choked laughter).  When the coast was clear, I went over to my friend and we started laughing hysterically for minutes.  The type where you can’t breath, you start to cry and your stomach hurts.  People were looking at us like we’d gone insane.

So, my friend was laughing cause of the look on my face – apparently it was priceless (she didn’t realize there was a women beside me, therefore the farting – like that makes it any better), I was laughing cause, well, it was hilarious (I mean she looked so damn calm for a women who just farted in public!!).  She thought it was quiet enough that I wouldn’t notice therefore the calm demeanor (so as not to draw attention to herself…right).  Well, it wasn’t quiet (unless they’re the silent and deadly type, farts are rarely ever quiet) and the fact that she thought she could get away with it made me laugh harder.  She’s lucky there was a women beside me because I would have called her out big time – I saved her from public embarrassment.

Such unladylike behaviour.  But, she’s not known to hold in her gassy stomach.  She farted in a book store awhile back, thinking no one heard (why she would think in a quiet bookstore no one would hear her fart is beyond my comprehension) and my other friend, a couple aisles away, yelled out to her “don’t think I didn’t hear that” as a girl walked into the aisle my gassy friend was in.  You’d think she learn, eh?  I guess once a public farter, always a public farter.  😀

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LITTLE ADMIRER

On the weekend my parents, sister-in-law and I took my nephews to a Christmas party at the community centre nearby my place.  For a $1 entrance fee there were about 10 different stations/areas of activities for the kids.  They also handed out coffee, popcorn and candy for free.  And when you redeemed your ticket you got a can of pop and cookies.  My nephews decorated gingerbread cookies, made Christmas ornaments and got fake tattoos.  A great deal for only a buck. 

We all ended up in the gym area of the rec centre.  There were 3 huge inflated playgrounds inside.  Then scattered around the parameter of the gym were various games.  There was a stage in the centre where these two volunteers danced up a storm for the kids, who followed along.  It was really cute, especially when my oldest nephew, almost 5 years old, tried to mack on some older girl who was dancing.  I almost peed in my pants laughing so hard cause it was so funny.  Seriously.

There was this little boy, probably about 2 years old standing nearby me as I was sitting on a bench watching the dancing.  I wasn’t paying much attention to him, but he was pretty cute.  Suddenly, I felt this little hand on my knee.  I look over and there he was, little guy decided to rest his hand on me, while leaning himself against me, oblivious to the fact that I’m a complete stranger.  His mom looked over at me and we smiled and chuckled.  He did this for about a good 5 minutes, with my dad taking a photo of it cause it was so cute.  When he finally realized he was leaning against a stranger, he smiled shyly at me and moved away.  Then, for a good 10 – 15 minutes he stood in front of me fixated.  He kept smiling shyly, staring at me, while waving chocolate animal crackers at me.  At one point his mom said to me “he really, really likes you” and we laughed.

cuteboy1

Little guy copping a feel of my leg

Little guy (in red circle)

Little guy (circled in red) in front of me giving me the eyes..lol (you can't tell, but he is, I swear!)

I know, I have this effect on younger men, they see me and want me…lol..yeah, right.  It was certainly a cute moment in the middle of all this craziness in the gym.  😉

WORK ESCAPADES

The funniest thing happened at work yesterday.  It still cracks me up.

It was around 3:30pm or so and I felt like having something with bubbles to drink.  I had already downed my usual 3 – 4 litres of water and wasn’t feeling like drinking more, so I scrounged around for some change in my wallet to get a can of Ginger Ale.

I walked into the lunchroom where the vending machines were and two ladies from the art department were sitting having their break.  I smiled and said “hi” to them as I always do because they do a lot of work for me.  They always giggle when they see me cause I’m usually cracking jokes when I come into the art department.  Anyways, I reach the vending machine and before I put the change in I notice that a pack of peanuts are just at the edge ready to drop but not quite so. 

I look over at the ladies and tell them about the peanuts.  One of them gets up and goes “ok, lets shake this machine to get it to drop”.  So, we push it back and forth trying to get these $1.00 peanuts to fall and two shakes later plop!   Then the women who was helping me points out that a chocolate bar is about to fall too from all our shaking.  So, three of us shake the vending machine and plop!  We all start to laugh and I’m trying to give them the chocolate and the peanuts but they won’t have it, so I only take the chocolate (which I gave to someone else) and we give the peanuts to another lady who’s in the lunchroom.

Finally, I get my Ginger Ale.  As I walk away I hear some change falling.  I figured it was someone else getting a snack or something.  I get back to my desk and five minutes later one of the women who was shaking the vending machine with me comes up to my desk and throws four quarters down.  I go “what’s this?” and she tells me that after I got my soda the vending machine spat out four quarters!  Can you believe that?  Not only did I shake two snacks out of that vending machine for free but I got my soda for free too!

Needless to say, we figured luck was on our side so we invested in a lottery ticket.  Too funny.  😀

STEALING

I had brought my laptop down to Florida for a few reasons, but I had no idea how I would hook myself up to an internet connection.  I’m kinda lame that way.  I sometimes do things without thinking them through clearly.  It makes life fun though.

Anyways, when we got to the airport in Florida, my ‘friend’ (more like a close acquaintance whom I met through my close friend who went on the trip with me) had completely forgotten what rental car company she had rented a car from and had also forgotten to print out the confirmation.  Let’s just say things went downhill with this ‘friend’ after this, but we won’t go there.  So, anyways, she asked me to fire up my laptop so that she could find it in her email. 

The airport had free wireless internet access.  Well, fancy that, eh?  I’ve never used wireless internet service before, didn’t know how this free thing worked, and had no freakin idea how to hook up to it.  But, after fiddling with my laptop, I got it to work.  It was fabulous, I couldn’t believe how easy it was!  Yes, I was a virgin wireless internet user, but no more!

When we got to the house, I searched for a wireless service and guess what?  I found one!  Someone, probably the neighbour, had not secured his/her network so I was stealing, more like “borrowing”, internet service from them all week long!  I felt kinda bad (it’s the honest girl in me), but on the other hand it felt great not having to pay for internet service while I was in Florida!  I never knew that you could steal, I mean “borrow”, people’s wireless service – but now I do. 

Kids – stealing is bad, but if someone doesn’t secure their wireless internet service, then hey, it’s a free for all!  😉

ANT EATER

The house that we stayed at in Florida was luxurious, as I mentioned it was worth $1.2 million dollars.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Awesome kitchen and great layout.  The only thing that I didn’t like about it was the furniture was super tacky and old, the beds were not the greatest and it wasn’t as clean as I would have liked it.  But, that’s me being a bit anal (about the clean factor).

So, we had a bit of an ant infestation in the house.  Mostly in the kitchen because its where the food is.  It wasn’t a pleasant thing to see tiny ants crawling on the kitchen counter top every day, but what can you do?  On our second last morning, I poured myself a bowl of cereal and started eating away.  I was pretty tired so I didn’t pay much attention to my cereal.  About three quarters into my cereal eating I finally looked down at my bowl…guess what?  Dead teeny tiny ants floating in my milk.  OHMYGOD – I JUST FUCKING ATE SOME ANTS 😯 . 

Totally grossed out, I quietly told everyone that the cereal was bug infested, dumped my remaining bits of breakfast into the sink and promptly threw out the rest of the cereal we had.  Normally, I would have flipped right out.  I was grossed out, but I wasn’t over the edge turned off, and it definitely did not affect my appetite.  I think since coming back from the Dominican in February, I’ve gotten a lot more chilled out about bugs and creepy crawlies.  They are still not my friends, but they no longer make me wanna scream bloody murder.  I’ve matured since then.  Although ants have never made me want to scream, but eating them by mistake should, but thankfully didn’t.  My friends would have had more ammo on me cause they were cracking jokes all day about it.

Well, at least I got my protein fix, eh? 😉

UNPACKING

I hate packing, but I think I hate unpacking even more.  I brought so much shit back from my vacation its not even funny.  No, seriously, its not funny.

I’d show you a picture, but its too embarrassing how much crap I brought back with me (plus, who wants to see my underwear, right?).  I don’t know how to freaking pack for a vacation.  Maybe there are support groups out there for people like me who over pack?  What do you think?

The day I left for my vacation, I went over to my friends place before we left for Buffalo.  You see, we flew out of Buffalo, yeah, not doing that again – I’ll pay the extra and fly out of Pearson.  Anyways, my suitcase was heavy and I was thinking to myself “self, what the hell do you have in your suitcase and do you really need to bring two backpacks with you?”.  Yeah, I brought two backpacks, one with my laptop and the other as an extra that was holding stuff (I won’t go into details).

So, I came to my senses, somewhat, and did a bit of unloading and left my extra backpack and other things I wasn’t going to use at my friends place before we left for Buffalo.  I was able to fit everything into one suitcase and still had some room.  I was quite proud of that – I down sized. 

While in Florida, I did buy a few things, but not enough to over load my suitcase.  But my weakness, and it always has been, is shoes.  And, they are bulky, even if they were just sandals.  Oh, and did I mention that I had promised myself no spending money on shoes?  Right, and that worked out horribly, but I’m giving it another go, no shoes as of now!  No, really!! 

Anyways, with all the sandals I bought, it definitely took up the extra room I had.  My friend bought a hell of a lot more than I did, cause she’s a shopper, I’m a shoe shopper, she’s a everything shopper.  So, I packed some of her stuff in my suitcase, which then over loaded it.  Now I’m left with sorting it all cause we got home so late that I just brought it all home with me.  I need the suitcase for my business trip which is in less than 2 weeks…so I need an empty suitcase and I have to start thinking about what to pack for this business trip.  Aiya!  😀

STUPID QUESTIONS

I was down in Buffalo this weekend, as mentioned below.  It was totally unplanned and I was totally guilted into it – but I won’t rehash the story cause it just pisses me off (still!).  Now, I’ve crossed the border a million times and I’ve had my fair share of stupid questioning at the border.  This weekend topped it though.  I realize that they are trying to do their job and probably trying to see if they can rattle me, but sometimes you have to wonder about the intelligence of these customs officers. 

Stupid question #1: “Your hubcap’s missing” – now isn’t that observant, I never knew that was against the law or a relevant question when you’re trying to get into the States.  I wonder if there is a rule where I have to have all four hubcaps on my tires?  Cause when I told him it was taken, he didn’t seem to believe me, I had to repeat myself twice.  What I should have said was that there were so many drug packets lined inside of the tire that I had to remove the hubcap to give it space..yeah, right.  Really, how relevant is it that I’m missing a hubcap?

Stupid question #2: “So, you went to university to make stickers” – that one made my friend and I burst out laughing cause it was so damn stupid and demeaning.  The border guy actually laughed too, and I think he was embarassed, cause I could tell he realized it wasn’t a smart question.  My friend already told him what she did and where she worked, but apparently he’s not only dumb, but deaf too.

There were other questions, but I won’t embarass the U.S. customs officers any further.  You would think by his line of questioning he thought we were trying to import drugs or go to Buffalo to prostitute ourselves or something.  He certainly inspected my car carefully.  He also made a point of asking over and over again if we were only going for the day and that we would return to Toronto right away.  Yes, Buffalo is not our dream destination and we wouldn’t dare stay longer than we have to.

I think the best stupid thing that a U.S. customs office did once was look at my passport, I’m Asian, and then look at my friend, who’s Albanian, and asked her if she was me.  Like, hello, I never knew Albanian people looked Asian.  Trust me, my friend and I do not look alike.  Makes me shake my head to think that these people are suppose to be protecting the United States.  Granted, Canadian customs isn’t any better, but the U.S. can’t say they are that great either.  I can give them great examples to support that.  😉