My friends and I were having a discussion over the weekend about our friend. We took her daughter and her to Buffalo over the weekend to get them out and enjoying themselves.
Both of my friends are very frustrated by her because she can’t get her shit together and because she’s so dependent on others to do everything for her. Considering the circumstances that she finds herself in right now, I think she’s doing alright, but she could probably be a little more on top of what’s going on with the police investigation, her daughter’s therapy and getting her finances together.
I’m a pretty independent person. I learned to be very independent when I moved to the west coast 11 years ago. I had to rely solely on myself to do things because I had no one there. It made me a stronger person and I learned a lot about myself and what I could accomplish by myself. Having said that, our friend has never established independence. She married at a young age and depended heavily on her husband. And, now, she finds herself in a situation where she needs to really get a handle on whats going on.
As my friends and I were discussing this, I couldn’t help but notice, very clearly, how we ourselves are enabling her dependent behaviour. Although my friend is frustrated, it doesn’t occur to her, for instance, when she was telling me she was thinking about filling out passport papers for our friend because she doesn’t believe she can do it, that she is actually hindering our friend from learning how to do it on her own. I always tell it like it is and so I told my friends that we are doing her no favours by babying her or having no faith in her to be able to learn to do things. If we give her confidence, she’ll feel confident, but if we just do it for her because we’re frustrated by her lack of ambition and ability, then we’re doing her a disservice by being so complacent ourselves and just doing it for her.
And, in the end of it, we can’t control how she figures her way out of the situation she’s in right now because honestly its not like she wants to be in this situation. Her bastard husband has put her in this situation. So, really, we all need to give her a break and instead of badgering the poor women, give her some confidence and encouragement so that she’ll be willing to learn to do the things she doesn’t know how to do, and not feeling insecure because she feels no one believes she can do it.
A little faith in someone goes a long way.